"I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,

or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.

I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,

in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms

but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;

thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,

risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.

I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;

so I love you because I know no other waythan this:

where I does not exist, nor you,

so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,

so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep. "

Pablo Neruda

Watched Patch Adams today. Still one of my favorite movies. This poem catches my attention everytime I watch it. My heart often longs for this kind of love.

Influence.

I can be anybody. I can do anything. I am adaptable.

I am influenced.

I have always known the first part. I have, however, never accepted the last. I would like to think of myself as bold and a leader by nature... I still believe I am those things. But still I allow others to influence me. I love and care about people (and their hopes and opinions) more than I am confident in my own desires, hopes, and callings even. If I can be anything, nothing limits me. I make decisions based on what I feel... what I want. It feels selfish. It feels wrong. If I am blessed with this flexibility and capability why not do what is best with it.

Best.

What determines which is better? Is a physicians assistant better because I am smart enough, love science, will get to help people and get paid well? Is a teacher better because I love kids, I am a capable teacher, and I have already helped several kids? Is it missions because I have a heart for my wee'uns, felt that I was effective, and am still involved in relationships built two years ago? Do I continue to work in the clinical field where I am a quick learner, appreciated, and effective? Or is it something else?

What determines best? Depending on from whose perspective you look. Now that I accept that I am influenced I look back over several of my decisions in life and I wonder. I wonder, what if I didn't meet that person? Date this person? Befriend that girl/guy? Go to that church? Would I be struggling with the same decisions if they were choices strictly influenced by my own desires?

Are those influences God-breathed?

Clearly, I'm struggling with purpose and direction. I want more than anything to do what is best... and by best I mean purposed by God. Not by my own selfish thoughts. Not by pushing or

pulling of others. Not by monetary benefit.

Father help.

Oh if only I could really hop across the pond...

I have had the distinct desire to be in Ballymena, NI today.

I wanted so bad to run down to Dunclug and knock on the doors of my kids. I'm getting antsy I guess. Last year this time, I was discussing my return and getting excited. That's not really an option right now. The question I keep asking myself is why? Why would God make those kids such a big part of my heart and then leave it as an unlikely option to return? I've always had a missional heart and mindset. I want to be with my wee'uns. I want to share the love I have for thm....

Father keep me close to you. Guide my steps and open doors. I trust in this ... you are God and I am not. Remind me that you are in control even when I feel like I am. Break my arrogance and casual faith. Help me understand your grace and as never before.
Amen.

Checklists

We talked about the beattitudes in church tonight. It was interesting to think that people often mistake these verses as a "checklist" one must meet before being a good christian. This is the wrong attitude.

I'm tired of checklists in church. I was taught a very legalistic form of christianity as a kid and I know it effects how I think and react today. Its so frustrating because for years I felt guilt and shame about things that simply are not biblical.

For example: You are a good Christian only if you pray continuously, bring your Bible every Sunday, say a blessing before every meal, don't drink, don't cuss, don't hold hands in church, don't write notes to your friends, don't don't don't don't....

Everyone else seemed to be able to accomplish all of them... everyone but me. I so often lied when asked if I did one thing or another because church and christianity had become a series of rules I must adhere to in order to be accepted. Forbid the idea that I am a hurt, sinful individual striving for what is right... I must be perfect if I know Christ.

What a horrible aweful lie that we've allowed to infiltrate and direct our lives in the Church. To be the Church is to be a community. Its to be a group struggling, striving, and praying together. To reach out a hand when someone is knocked over by addictions. To weep together in times of sorrow. To rejoice as one when prayers are answered. When did a checklist become all that we live for. We will never earn our place in heaven. If we could, what would the point of Jesus be? Give glory to the only way you will ever find yourself sinless.... Christ.

Sleep... Don't Weep

I can't sleep.

That is super rare... I mean some people might argue that I'm the queen of sleep. I can sleep with the light on or off, music or no music, upside down or right side up, in a chair, on a couch, in the floor, or on a bed. But tonight my heart is restless.

I am happy right now in life. I have a fantastic guy, wonderful close friends, a job, a church that challenges me.....

But my heart wanders. I'm not sure where its drawing me to ... I just know, especially on nights like tonight, that although I am happy where I am now... This is not what I was created for.

I'm going to go read and pray ... maybe sleep will come soon. Or even better DIRECTION.

When I grow up...

I have no idea what I am going to do with my life.

That is so hard for me to deal with. I've always been told. "You're smart, You can be anything". But in reality, what my family meant is your smart go make money.

That is not my focus. Its not even a goal. I couldn't care less about the monetary perks of my job. I want nothing more than to serve others. To love them, to show them love that I was FREELY given even though I don't deserve it.

How am I to do that?

My mom and I fought again tonight. I feel like this is happening more and more frequently. I know she wants the "best" for me. She wants me to be happy AND successful. I define success as Emerson did:

"To laugh often and much, to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children, to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal for false friends, to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others, to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch .... to know that even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have SUCCEEDED! "

Even the church is becoming lost in the worldly success, the quantitative results. When will we become focused on what matters.

I don't want to grow up if it means I have to be successful in my mom's eyes. I'll never measure up.

Fear

I'm bad at expressing my thoughts. Not always. I tend to fall on the independent outspoken side of life. But I truly am bad at communicating exactly what I feel... when I feel it. I've always been a "5 minutes" person. You hurt me/we argue/your mad.... give me a 5 minute processing time and I can be reasonable. If I don't have five minutes I'm a great big ball of emotion.

Emotion is not bad. I need to quit treating it like it is. I think thats what holds me back. I fear what my emotional response will bring out in others. I worry about what their thoughts are, If I'll ruin their expectations of the moment, Will I fail them. And then the moment is passed. Its hard to go back and bring up hurt once the person has moved on oblivious to the injury or insult.

I hope to get better at this. I pray that I will.